Rapture Threat Advisory Level Raised

Due to recent national and world events; namely the resurrection of the Cold War, the Global Environmental Crisis, the increasing Godless heathen books, the turmoil in the Mideast, Global Weather situations, genocides and massacres, political scandals and monopolistic fascist party system, an economic decline, and reruns of Seinfeld, we are amidst a potential catastrophe.

I, Dane Andrade, officially raise the Rapture Threat Level to High: